Your Holiday To-Don't
List: Key to Surviving Obsessive Giving Disorder
by: Joan Bechtel
The gods don’t ask for human sacrifice anymore, do
they? Then why do millions of women turn themselves
into burnt offerings each winter?
It hits about
mid-November: Obsessive Giving Disorder.
Turning ordinary women into Nurturing
Ninjas. Hopped-up on hospitality hormones,
they launch into a frenzy of baking,
shopping, decorating, crocheting, hosting,
serving, costuming, shopping, wrapping,
preserving and worshipping madly at the
altar of Toxic Traditions. It becomes a
Super bowl of Martyrdom when every shred of
selfhood disappears into the Bermuda
Triangle of Holiday Obligation.
Is there a
cure?
Not yet.
Whatever drives this compulsion--whether
it’s ancestral memories of hoarding for
winter, internalized domestic programming or
the ultimate holiday horror: the fear of
disappointing someone--Oh my god, the pony
didn’t make her eyes light up! --OGD has to
run its course. A chemical, seasonal,
cultural imbalance, in December it becomes
the alpha motivator: The Big Dogma. BE ALL
THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE it commands.
SO YOU’RE
SINKING IN HOLIDAY DOGMA-DOO.
“Well, maybe
if I just get organized,” you say. “Put my
to-do list in order.”
Careful--that’s the disease talking.
The Holiday
To-Do list has a life of its own. It grows
faster than a B-Movie mutation. Forget
trying to contain it. A need-meter's brain
is a warm moist incubator for this fungus.
The only hope
of surviving the Curse of Caring Too Much is
to leave the monster alone and attack the
lesser demons: the Beta stressors--those
second-string compulsions.
You can start
by turning your imagination around.
USING YOUR
WHAT-IFS FOR GOOD INSTEAD OF EVIL
We’re great at
imagining the family unit will go supernova
if we don’t live up to our over-doing
reputations. In retrospect it’s always
obvious: holidays never meet everyone’s
expectations. And does it matter? Are lives
lost?
Imagination
can be an ally when we ask:
Would the
world come to an end if I made potatoes from
a box?
Would the
dinner table turn into Lord of the Flies if
I didn’t sculpt every family pet out of
marzipan this year?
Would Charlie
end up in therapy for abandonment issues if
I didn't crochet his name onto that
videogame cozy?
Congratulate
yourself every time you let go of
omnipotence.
But when
you’re up against Toxic Traditions, you’ll
need more in your arsenal than just
what-ifs.
Dogma-doers
must minimize their exposure to the needs of
others.
PINK LIES
Remember
Little White Lies? They spare the feelings
of others. Pink lies spare your own as well!
Need-meters
are obligation magnets. They cannot screen
out the pleading eyes or the
passive-aggressive demands. Excuses that buy
you a little time out are crucial because
absence is an anal accommodator’s only
defense.
There are
three basic categories of Pink Lies:
Why you have
to leave early.
Why you have
to come late.
Why you have
to leave in the middle.
EXAMPLES:
THE MEDICAL
STAND-BY: I have: (pick one: allergies,
female troubles, New Guinea Flu or if
necessary: “some kind of oozing pussy rash”)
THE BIG GUNS:
“I have to go in for a pre-surgical
consultation and I won’t be able to fly out
that day”
THE POOR ME:
“I made two huge pots of my favorite ginger
Sherry pumpkin soup and then I set it on top
of my car and drove off. Maybe next year.”
THE I’LL BE
RIGHT BACK: “I forgot to get the sour
cream—No, it’s a special l kind and I am the
only one who knows where to find it.” When
you return after three blissful hours,
bravely recount your wretched Odyssey to
twenty-six 7-11’s.
THE NOT MY
FAULT: My husband decided to go find his
birth mother, we’re leaving for the
Philippines tonight. (Always use someone
else as your excuse whenever possible.)
From the banal
to the sublime, migraines to court-ordered
community service, the Pink Lie buys you a
little separation from your demanding fans.
But don’t forget you need to stay one step
ahead of your internal Perfection Police.
SETTING
YOURSELF UP FOR FAILURE: SWEET BLESSED
FAILURE
It’s important
to set yourself up for failure. Yes, for
failure.
For falling
short of your massive potential. Not an easy
task for an OGD. You must plan carefully and
remain vigilant.
MAKING YOUR
TO-DON’T LIST
An anal
accommodator is incapable of limiting the
guest list to three digits or stopping at
sixteen sets of meringue crèche figures. She
cannot spend less, do less, coddle less, say
yes less. So she must look for something
that she can eliminate. Naturally, it will
be a non-holiday related task since the
whole Yule area of the brain has been taken
over by MARTIAL LAW.
Ask yourself:
Where can I economize my energy?
If you were
devoting extra hours to anther kind of
winter disaster like clearing mudslides,
housing the homeless, you would probably
lighten up on routine domestic chores at
home. Cut yourself the same slack.
Try out this
delicious TO-DON’T LIST SAMPLER
Don’t change
clothes for three days.
Don’t cook
anything but microwave food on Fridays and
Tuesdays.
Don’t help
your son with homework on Mondays.
Don’t clean
the refrigerator.
Don't
volunteer cupcakes.
Don’t change
the sheets till New Year’s.
Be sure and
WRITE DOWN your To-Don’t List
And when you
have not done them, check them off proudly!
You stole back a little time. That’s a rare
achievement for a compulsive
Dogma-Doer—truly something to celebrate!
