The Perks of Global
Warming
by: Nola L. Kelsey
Maria Manes once wrote, “The earth we abuse and the
living things we kill will, in the end, take their
revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are
diminishing our future.” Obviously Ms. Manes
preferred the status quo - health, sanity, logic,
blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so
much more intriguing.
In the
country, weather affects everything. For
five years Western South Dakota has been
gripped by drought. Water and hay are
vanishing. Farms and ranches are blowing
away. While the government bails out victims
from hurricanes and says, ‘South Dawho?’ our
cattle are pissing dust mites. Fortunately,
things are looking up.
There is some
good news! Those pesky glaciers are finally
melting off! Last year an eight-nation
report estimated an area of Arctic icepack
the size of Texas and Kansas is gone. For
those who are geographically impaired, that
is an area bigger than a breadbox.
At first, news
of devastating global climate change might
seem a bit of a bummer. Then I read an LA
Times article and had a change of heart. The
article began with the usual gloom.
Greenland’s ice cap is melting. Our coasts
will flood from rising seawater. Inuit
hunters are falling through thinning ice.
Melting glaciers change ocean temperature
and salinity contorting the jet stream,
which results in altered weather patterns
worldwide. Multitudes of species are dying
off . . . It was disheartening.
Then I got to
the article’s final paragraph. Bam! My faith
was restored. Here the Times pointed out the
perks of global warming. Seriously, the
article actually ended saying: “The report
is not all gloomy. A warmer Arctic could
increase the number of some species, such as
Arctic char, a fish. It could extend the
growing season for wheat in Canada and open
up now-treacherous sea routes, such as the
Northwest Passage and the Northern Sea
Route, which parallels Russia, for shipping
and resource exploration.”
Three cheers
for the LA Times! It’s true! All is not
gloomy. With that glorious bit of sunshine
pumped straight up my ski bibs, I was able
to see things in a whole new light. I
started thinking of other advantages to
global warming. Soon you will agree that
people from all walks of life will benefit.
For starters,
Inuit Hunters will benefit! Once Inuit have
nothing left to hunt there will be no need
for them to risk falling through thin ice.
Plus, by needing food they will be ripe for
a floating (pontoons, not ice) Arctic Super
Wal-Mart. “Go get ‘em, Sam.”
Boat owners
will benefit! Not only will there be smooth
sailing through the formerly bothersome ice
of the Northwest Passage, but each summer,
cruise ships will be able to run tourists
straight up Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
Scuba Divers
will benefit! There will be no more burning
coral cuts. In fact there will be no more
coral. Once all the reefs are gone, divers
can pack away first aid kits and dive
straight in. A little silt never cut anyone.
Canadian Wheat
Farmers will benefit! You see, there is a
10% decrease in yield of corn from Midwest
crops for every degree of global warming. No
worries though, now wheat can take the place
of corn. Think about all those scrumptious
Wheat Dogs at the ball game. How about
popped wheat with butter at the movies or
steaming wheat on the cob? All scream
‘yummy’ to me.
While it is a
bit ironic that ethanol is made from the
corn crops global warming devastates, I am
sure some aspiring chemist will rise to the
challenge of developing ‘Wheatanol.’ Imagine
Canuck Wheat Farmers having more influence
than the Saudi Royal Family.
Dune-Buggy
enthusiasts will benefit! The Dakotas will
soon reopen for your 4-wheelin’ pleasure.
Join the Mount Rushmore Nose Climb on July
4th! It will be a bugger of a challenge!
Eco-Tourism
Operators will benefit! Companies could
offer new “Emaciation Tour Packages.”
Tourists get closer photos of polar bears
and whales when they are too lethargic from
starvation to meander away. In addition,
long treks to Inuit villages can be avoided
once they are forced to beg on the streets
of Nome (or cashiering at Wal-Mart).
Finally, the
next generation of Bush family politicians
will benefit! Once again they can avoid
addressing campaign issues, this time by
distracting dehydrated voters with witty
campaign phrases like; “No Kyoto Pact-No Ice
Pack,” or “Dead Seals Never Flip-Flop,” even
promising “No Char Left Behind.” Not to
mention offering new, SPF 80 tax credits.
Well, by
golly, I do feel better! Shall we spin the
Rolette wheel some more?
